Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,
Shadow
dariaphoebe

But always understand that everything, everything ends

It's been, what... well, it's been many, many months. Why am I breaking the silence? I never really intended to be silent, actually. But the events of the week will finally drag me out.

You see, it's been 88 days since the divorce was filed. That means, Allegheny County court system load willing, I will end the week divorced, thus reaching my goal of ending 2009 single, broke and homeless(*).

It's been more than 4 years, and I'd like to think I've changed for the better in that time. I still have plenty of flaws. At the beginning, having been unhappy for long enough, and resultantly positively miserable at coworkers, I figured my penance would be to be single and alone forever. I even wondered if a fresh start in a new city where I wouldn't be saddled with notions of me from who I was weren't always around would be good for me. Things have worked out better than that, though I still bear scars in the form of irrational paranoia that I am an outsider somewhere between unwanted and tolerated.

The biggest lesson to me has been that, whether I agree or disagree with the means, there are a lot of sincere people trying to make a difference that it's nice to interact positively with, even if that interaction is based on the disagreement of means.

I was reflecting earlier today on the fact that I feel less effective as someone who doesn't use the power of negativity as a tool. At the same time, going back to being miserable is not a tenable position. So, what I'd like to learn going forward is how to be useful while still being positive. I suspect it will be a lesson long in the learning.

* - in the strictest sense, namely, legally single, negative net worth and sans tangible assets, and no longer a homeowner.
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