Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,
Shadow
dariaphoebe

I made it to the top; I was done, at least for this morning. Partway up, I had a momentary scare where I felt I might pass out, where the cold morning air combined with the rich exhaust of a passing truck as I was already short on breath came together and made me lightheaded. Now, in spite of the barely above freezing temperature, I'd have a sweaty ride back down the hill. It was easy to wonder if I was being adequately cautious, in spite of being only marginally closer to my ultimate limits today than any other.

A conversation from the week before popped into my head as I rode down the hill. Being admonished to take care as I parted company with friends, I crassly remarked that I had no intention of dying now. At my end it would be Daria who would be buried, and I wasn't about to let the state impugn upon that with other ideas. The legal necessities were still months in the future. Ergo, today would not be my day.

In spite of problems, I feel as though I have more reason than ever to want to be alive, to want to persevere at life. Of course, it's not that simple. Any morning you awaken could be the final time. But there was more internal pressure at self-preservation than perhaps at times in the past, and I remembered a point a bit over a year ago where I could have easily seen the circumstances at the moment converging in such a way that I stopped caring and let whatever befall me as would transpire without my efforts on my own behalf.

A lot can change in not much time. I am not perfectly executing a plan of care, but I am trying. And now, it's not such a burden to try.

Step 92: You can only meet your goals if you are willing and able to take the steps to get there, so do what you need to do to give yourself that chance.
Tags: cycling, transition
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