Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,
Shadow
dariaphoebe

I concluded just where I started: confessing again my shortcomings to my audience while offering my desire that someone better qualified than me had appeared before them to illustrate our humanity. The woman next to me, the one who'd demonstrated the lack of understanding that had brought me here in the first place, countered that she felt I was the ideal person to be sitting where I was.

I didn't get a good read as to the sincerity of the statement.

I'd been nervous the night before, to the extent of picking out an outfit before I slept, sleeping badly, and then fussing excessively over minutia while getting ready. But by the time I arrived, I was calm. I'd had a leisurely ride over the river in fantastic weather. I wasn't worried. Why should I be? I knew the topic at hand: I had, and was still, living it.

I gave the capsule summary of my life, carefully explaining exactly what perspective I could offer, and what I was certain existed but had not experienced. They asked questions, and I answered. I was utterly transparent. The meeting was "off the record", but I can't imagine I'd have been more reserved even if it wasn't. I could imagine a couple of the questions making someone uncomfortable. I am not that someone.

My friend, who had arranged the meeting, sat on the other side of me, a couple times offering questions which may have helped lead them to things we'd all not considered. At the end, I regretted only one thing. The question was not an unfamiliar one. I'd considered it repeatedly for years, and still had no answer to satisfy my scientific desires. If you are lucky, you do. If you are luckier, it's one you've never felt the need to ask.

What does gender mean to you?
Tags: activism, gender, transition
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