Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,
Shadow
dariaphoebe

I bet I seem pretty boring these days. I know I feel it sometimes. Remember when you'd find me at a concert, or when I went out to take train pictures? Not all that long ago, was it...

I'm still the same person I was. I still like the same things I did before. And I still do them, when I can. So why is it you always only ever see me talking about gender anymore?

I mused about this very thing even as I biked under the railroad tracks and the adjacent buses-only highway upon starting my journey back into the city after my appointment. Even as I wished a train might come by, i knew I had naught but a cellphone on my person to snap a photo, and no ability to follow it.

I always talk about gender because I don't have the luxury of not thinking about it. Take those train pictures, for instance. The car went with the marriage that ended because I had to, and did, face the issues I had with my own gender. I can push my bike -- one that's not very fast -- to maybe 15 mph. That means I get one shot. There's no following along. It also means I need to haul whatever photography gear I wish on my person.

The car was hardly the only thing. The other vectors of instability in my life couldn't be laid fully at the feet of simply being myself, but at the same time I couldn't discount that it was a factor. Then there was the appointment I'd come from, preparatory work for the surgery I worked hard to get myself in line for before discovering I had no way to actually pay for it. I didn't have the ability to simply put it out of my mind. So, despite what the day had wrought, I continued moving feebly along the path to that treatment.

No train appeared, and I had a wee bit of relief knowing I wouldn't have reason to kick myself for the picture I missed. Perhaps another day soon, I told myself. Maybe I'd even be lucky enough find someone to join me for an afternoon of it.
Tags: cycling, trains, transition
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