April 21st, 2014


(no subject)

"You seem so much happier." It's been said more than once. I don't get it. When I quit CMU I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I didn't feel miserable anymore. But somehow, life is better. I don't have to hide who I am anymore. I didn't realize it was such a burden. I guess it was.

Before and after Easter service, at least 3 people tried to be welcoming, thinking I was new. I suppose it's not surprise I stick out. They asked if I was new. No, I was married here in 2010. They all still seemed happy I was there. Am I unusual?

It's come up elsewhere, not in reference to me, people laying blame elsewhere about the hand they were dealt. The idea that no benevolent god would do this to you.

I can't tell you this is more a challenge than others face. I'm pretty sure it's not. It's different, to be sure. Is it really worse than any other illness? It's basically a lifelong, non-life-threatening glandular malfunction. It's inconvenient. Oh well.

Of course I'm happy. I don't hate my body. It's not quite one I feel at home in, but that's only different from most others because of particulars. I have more people on my side than I probably deserve. I feel obliged to get up and do us all proud. Do the best I can today, probably not good enough, and then fall over until I get another chance tomorrow. I will probably never get to my destination. But nothing is discouraging me from continuing to try.

Step 30: keep going. There will always be adversity. You will never get there. You can always get closer.