September 29th, 2014


(no subject)

I biked home after dinner with a friend, quietly. Not silently. There were three lanes of traffic beside me, and three more above me. An overhead sign informed traffic that the tunnel was four minutes away. I laughed. Not for me, I thought, as I watched the bike go by over my head on the sidewalk of the bridge. On the way to dinner, I crossed that bridge, as I had when meeting her and another friend for a bike ride a few nights earlier.

That night, the other friend and I boarded the trolley to head south out of town. She had her bicycle with her. I'd locked mine up, expecting a crowded trolley. I was not disappointed. The seats were mostly full, and though a younger man offered me his seat, I decided to stand beside my friend, heels and all.

After the long steady climb through the tunnel out of the city, we made our first stop. A man who was disembarking took the opportunity to comment on my outfit, and really, me. After he left, my friend expressed her incredulity. Social commentary, I explained. Not the first, and it won't be the last. Another lady standing next to us shared her disapproval what had happened. It hadn't fazed me. To an observer, I might come across as a strong person. And in that moment, it came naturally to me. But with the memories of therapy days before in my head, where I shared the unmet need for other forms of external validation, I knew it wasn't that simple. Still, despite recognizing the problem before, I was finally taking a hard look at the problem and trying to figure out what dealing required.

Step 74: sometimes the most incisive actions aren't the ones causing the deepest problems. The only way you can get out from under the problems is to face them.