November 18th, 2014


(no subject)

As we drove home, I saw something which reminded me how much I loved fall. It didn't even make enough of an impression for me to remember what I saw, but it served as a trigger. This fall felt sort of hollow.

Usually fall included a trip into the ridges east of the city during the season when the leaves change, with pictures of trains and a ride on a steam railroad which nominally went defunct 15 years before I was born but had stuck around on the verge of becoming a national park or some similar level of preserved attraction for the whole of my life without ever quite making it.

This year, I hadn't gotten that trip in. My life was not to blame: with business off, they hadn't operated in 2014. At all. This was not the fall I signed up for. I mused about the power of triggers, that perhaps Christmas stopped being what it was when I stopped having the annual road trip of out-of-the-way hobby shops with my brother. I wondered what else I'd lost because the associations that made them what they are got lost. On sharing that concern in therapy came an answer which was obvious in principle if not in practical ability: perhaps it is time to make new traditions.

Step 94: Discover and cherish the things that make your favorite times and places matter so much to you; The only way you will recognize and be able to fill the holes in your life is if you understand what used to be in them.