Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,
Shadow
dariaphoebe

I was curled up, not quite in a fetal manner. "I'm scared", I told her. As I continued moving the bicycle forward to the top of the ridge line, I could see the moment in my mind's eye. The hardest part of the journey was behind me, but the climb was not over. The daily hill climb started as a way to continue to get exercise in the winter, when the distance trips via the bike trail were impractical due to snow cover, but turned into something else, a daily gauge of my mettle. I remembered the days where the ride included nearly passing out because I was out of breath as well as barely catching myself as I started to fall sideways when cold-caused head congestion left me without balance following a sneeze, and wondered how close I had pushed myself to my demise. And each day I'd go out for another go, pushing as hard I could, without much regard for how close to self-destruction it might take me. It wasn't that I was consciously trying to cause myself harm; The path my life took meant, simply, that it could happen. I wasn't going to hide from it.

A few days previous, a discussion ventured toward circumstances under which one might take one's own life. I can say that even in my darkest moments, the idea of doing so intentionally is not one I've entertained with any degree of likelihood. At the same time, almost exactly a year ago the goings-on in my life aligned in such a way that I could conceive of a set of circumstances which resulted in my early demise, one which was not any sort of certain, but the stepping stones on that race to the bottom were each things I could see realistically coming to pass, and I despaired that because the actions on my part in the chain would be reactionary, a way to stop the slide was not obvious. Communication would be required, but I lacked the words to express some of the problems as well as the courage to use them if I'd even had them. By some stretch of luck, the path forked and I managed to find my way off the path of immediate demise, even though the process of doing so included a bloodied face, and a broken hand. With the benefit of hindsight, some of the mistakes along the way have slowly become obvious, but the biggest, fearing communication, was one that surely needed additional, possibly life-long, concentration.

Step 49: Prescience is a gift, but it's not enough. Unless you take action on what you foresee, you're doomed to a path that's not the one you'd choose. Your desired outcome requires your input.
Tags: marriage, relationships, transition
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