Shadow (dariaphoebe) wrote,

I cried as I talked. "I killed the goose that laid the golden eggs," I told her. "It's gone, and so all I can do now is cook up some goose and eat well so it wasn't completely in vain". I'd pushed myself up the hill in absolutely gorgeous weather, making reasonable time on the bike after first fearing that I'd left too late to make my session on time. The burdens holding me back that morning weren't the ones I'd hauled up the hill on my bicycle, they were the ones inside me.

She asked how I was handling things. After letting me describe my withered coping skills, she asked how it was working out for me. "I got up this morning and am living my life," I told her. But my failure to cope with my own anxiety was doing me no favors, and was exacerbated by my failure to be able to self-validate. We plotted a course to examine the former and address the latter, but it would fall to me alone to stay that course. She did suggest I look for external checks, something to help me on the path, but I conceded that self-validation when I already felt beat-down would not be easy. "You don't seem like someone who'd give up easily," she said. Realizing where I was, though, she pushed me to at least try to recognize the validation I needed, even if I didn't feel ready to offer it to myself.

Step 85: The limitations in your ability to self-care mustn't stop you from trying.
Tags: cycling, therapy, transition
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